By: Khaliya Rajan
Inspired by Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown
Anxiety
Anxiety creeps through the body making its way up to the brain, ready to take control. Thoughts begin to roll as heavy as bowling balls, knocking over pins in its path that always return. Weights fall upon us as we ponder every option for the future, weighing us down, we wonder if we’re on the right path. Anxiety never leaves.
Anguish
Anguish floods the brain, telling us to shut our eyes and hearts and by obeying we hope it will numb our agony. It seeps through our veins making our hearts beat faster than a cheetah’s run, louder than a gong, swifter than a punch to the stomach. Anguish leaves us breathless and powerless.
Contempt
Contempt is what we feel when arrogance blinds us, making us forget we are equal. Contempt boils and bubbles within the body slowly growing for those who have hurt us. It lingers within us, before gradually slipping through our fingers. Like a bell it dismisses us, deeming us as unworthy as shattered glass. The goodbye is quick-if it even happens at all. Contempt engulfs and swallows us whole.
Jealousy
Jealousy comes swiftly, ready to destroy a relationship before disappearing, leaving us to fix the mistake alone. Jealousy is the green-eyed monster staring us down until we conform to its innate, savage desires. Jealousy feeds on our emptiness.
Regret
Regret makes us squirm, and wish we could leave our own bodies. We hope it will fade as quickly as a drop of water spilling onto the floor. Instead regret burns and itches at the skin, relentless to how long and hard we scratch it. The actions we took seem wrong and the actions we forewent seem right. Regret forces us to overthink.
Guilt
Guilt causes us to blame someone else, someone innocent, someone near, projecting our sorrow and regret onto them so we can grieve lightly and leave the weight of responsibility within the depths of our hearts. Begin again; lose someone; begin again. The guilt shall die with us never to be spoken, never to be known, never to be understood. They are silver not gold, showered in shame, carrying an unexplainable weight, stuck beneath clouds because we couldn’t cope and expiate. Guilt, because we know we have done erred.
Loneliness
Loneliness is often suffered by those who shine the brightest, ignored by those whose light shines dim craving yours. You fade away within the background, observing but unable to participate. You miss life. You miss people. The connections you once had, worth more than a ton of gold, have begun to fade and wither. Loneliness, you long for someone-anyone to-understand you.
Confusion
Confusion fills the empty space within us meant for understanding. It swirls within our heads, bringing us the need for clarification. Confusion- the universal experience.
Nostalgia
Nostalgia-an old photograph, a childhood song, the worn teddy bear stuffed into the back of the closet. The memory of a happier time, when smiles were engraved upon our faces and we shined as bright as the sun. Nostalgia, the feeling of remembering.
Sympathy
Sympathy is the feeling of our stomachs dropping for someone else. Though you may have never been in their position, your insides crumble to mush anyway. It’s a feeling intertwined with pity and gratefulness to have not been in their situation. Sympathy makes us human.
Trust
Trust leaves our hearts vulnerable to pain. It is the key to a successful relationship, but can be splintered in a second, broken in an hour, gone in a day. Like the reparations after a war, rebuilding trust takes longer than a clock’s full cycle. Built from small acts of vulnerability where we are shown love.Our hearts are open and wanting, but when closed lock everyone out. Trust is a risk.
Joy
Joy is the genuine smile that spreads across your face-not the posed and practiced smile worn for others. Hidden within the depths of our hearts, seemingly disappearing as we suffer through dark moments, but shining when we need it most. Joy is what makes us who we are.
Humility
Humility, needs to be nurtured and tended to in order to thrive within us. Its the knowing that we are one fish within a vast ocean, a star in the sky, a second in a decade. Humility brings us the desire to learn and understand our abilities. Humility is our anchor to the ground.